Black Hole...

All I want to do is crawl in a black hole and not talk to anybody.  Sound familiar ladies?  Yes, its that special lady time we all love during the month.  Don't worry, I am not going to go into any gross details, so relax gentlemen.  It's not like you are unaware of all of this though.  I am sure every guy has a special lady, sister, daughter, or mother in their life, and you have all witnessed this lovely transformation that happens to us each month... so yea don't act grossed out. Or you can just stop reading.  But maybe just maybe it will give you a little insight into what we go through.

I always know when it is coming.  About 2 or 3 days before it "starts" I cry about something I normally wouldn't cry about.  It's always something silly.  On Tuesday I cried in my friends office at work about something I normally wouldn't, suddenly feeling embarrassed and silly and thinking, why the heck am I crying?  Sudden realization, oh yea, I must be getting THAT soon, great....

This proceeds to happen at least 3 or 4 more times.  It's kind of pathetic to witness, as  I will just sit there and cryyy, most of the time I don't even know why.  Then my mind does CRAZY things.  I proceed to think about things that I normally wouldn't.  All these worries, fear, doubts, insecurities, scenarios come racing through my mind.  I always think to myself, why am I thinking these things! Stop it!  Think happy thoughts!  Grrrr it feels like torture!! Such as, Does he like me as much as I like him?  Impossible. Is he even thinking about me right now? Probably not.  Will things work out in the end?  Hard telling.  Will I be alone forever?  Jeez that will be devastating.  Will I ever have a good "real job"?  Not at this rate. Will I ever have a name for myself and become successful? Doubt it.  What am I even good at? Not much.  I wish I had more friends..well maybe if you were prettier, friendlier, smarter, wittier, cooler, than you would.  Well, too late to change all of that.  Oh yea, you just suck.

Yes, that is what my mind does.  It's not fun.  Of course most of you can't really tell, as I fight and fight to not let it show.  It's an inward battle.  But you best believe when the work day is over, all I want to do is crawl in a black hole and have this inner fight with myself.  I usually go down to my parents basement.  It's the closest thing to a black hole that I can get.  Where the couch is down there, there are no windows, so I can turn off all of the lights, sit in the dark, and watch something that will make me laugh.  So today I turn on Modern Family, a show that normally makes me laugh.  However, today it made me sob.  Of course.  The episode called Three Dinners for those of you who watch it.  Anyone else cry, or was it just me?

Everything I am trying to change about myself this year and all the things I want to do and accomplish, feels ruined by this week.  Thursdays have become my favorite day as I would typically go to Starbucks after work.  I read and journal there and then I go to yoga at 6:45.  Its always a great day for me.  But today I am here in the dark with agonizing cramps and crazy hormones.  Lovely.

Now I am not trying to get sympathy here, because every woman goes through it (probably many others have wayyy worse side effects than me-such as serious pain that can take them to the hospital) and its a normal thing.  It's obviously not the end of the world, I KNOW this.  It just baffles my mind how much I can change during this time and I feel like I have no control over it.  I have been told not to fight it, just go with emotions you are feeling because the more you fight, you often loose. Then the more you become frustrated with yourself for not being able to be your normal, happy, loving self.  So I let the tears fall down my face, even if I don't know or understand why they are there.

Luckily, I don't turn into a raging B+&*$ during this time (at least I don't think I do) , I just turn sad and somewhat depressed.  I don't think it is fair for women to use it as an excuse to treat others like poop once a month.   So feel free to call us out when we do that.  We most likely don't mean it and it is good to put us in our place, in a loving way, and bring us back to who we really are.  Just remember that we may be a little different during this time, as you know.  Sometimes we just need a little extra loving and support as we are usually feeling pretty down and self-conscious about ourselves.  Other times we just need to be alone.  Nothing personal.

Anyways, I just felt like sharing something that isn't so pretty.  Life isn't always pretty.  I'm definitely not always pretty, heck right now I'm feeling and looking quite the contrary haha.  I do always tell myself, that life can always be worse.  I know that!!  But for now, I'll just sit here and be sad.  I usually only do one time a month.  Tomorrow, I'll be better, I promise.

Here's an article I enjoyed reading and it helped me understand myself and women a little better!

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/anea-bogue/women-menstruation-_b_3957384.html#slide=448184

Generations...

Where would we be without our Grandparents and all of the generations before them?  Well, no where.  I have been blessed with amazing Grandparents who led by example and instilled core values in our family.  They showed us the importance of hard work, having faith, family, being kind to others, forgiveness, treating others how we want to be treated, being polite, spending time with loved ones, the list goes on...  In the picture above is my Pap Pap and Nanny as we call them, my dads parents.  My Pap Pap passed away a couple of years ago, but he is always with us in spirit.  Especially when its nice out side and I can hear all the birds chirping, he loved birds and would listen and watch them for hours.  I am fortunate that my Nanny is still alive and well and lives close by.  I had dinner with her this past Tuesday and we had some great conversations, hence the reason I am blogging about it.

She loves telling stories and I always love hearing about her and Pap Pap and how their love story started.  She told me how they "went together" which is what they called dating back then, and what her and my Pap Pap did together.  How they actually spent quality time together by taking long walks at night, going to the park, having picnics, going to get ice cream, you know the simple things.  Then they were separated a year when my Pap Pap moved to Columbus and my Nanny was still in Pennsylvania.  So they wrote letters every day to each other (which she kept them all and still reads them today).   She told me of their hardships as a young married couple and all of the things they had to overcome.  My Pap Pap could not afford college so he worked with his dad at Wise Potato chips.  When that business was sold he went on to deliver milk to people's door steps for five years and hating it.  He eventually joined a friend in the mortgage business, and that eventually took off.  They skimped by for years, but by hard work and dedication, they became successful.

We also talked about how things have changed so much generation to generation.  When you think about it, our grandparents have seen soooo many changes over the last 80 years or so.  Now, I love the world we live in, I mean, for the most part, but sometimes it would be nice to go back to the days our grandparents lived in.  Life was simple.  They had a hard work ethic, instead of wanting instant success or hand outs, or wanting little magic pills that make you loose 50 pounds even though you can still eat whatever you want and not work out (oh yea, they don't work).  No, that's not how to do it.  That is not the way to go about life. I don't want to live that way either, thinking and expecting things to magically happen without all the sweat, blood, and tears.  Life is hard and challenging, and if you want to be more in life and become successful, then think like our Grandparents did and do it the old-fashioned way.  Work hard, and keep on working hard, then harder, and then even harder.  As soon as you taste success, don't stop.  Consistency is key, keep on going.

"Nothing fails like success.  People get to a certain level of success and get too comfortable.  We stop doing what we did to get us there.  Don't Stop." -Darren Hardy.

I am not just talking about money, but any aspect in life.  Relationships, health, spirituality, work, you name it.  Put into something or someone what you want to get out of it.  Don't expect an INSTANT change or improvement.  It wont happen.  It's not meant to work that way.  Keep on keeping on by working hard consistently over time, you will slowly see a change, even if no one else does.  Slow and steady wins the race.  Trust me, it has taken me awhile to realize that, and I am still working on it.  I have been guilty of wanting the instant change or goal to be met.  When it didn't happen as soon as I thought it should have I gave up.  Well, I hope this year I can get back to basics like my Grandparents did.

                                                          My Pap Pap in Boy Scouts

Having 9 Grandchildren it was hard to balance out everyone's sporting events, as all nine of us were in multiple sports.  However, I remember him at just about every one of my sporting events.  He was our number one fan.

RIP to my Pap Pap and Grandma (my mom's mom);  and RIP to all of your amazing Grandparents.

Lets make our Grandparents proud!!

New Beginnings Lead to Fantastic Endings...

It's a New Year!  Okay, I may be 20 days behind, but it is still January and 2014 is still settling in for me.  Well, as the New Year has begun, I have taken the past 20 days to do some self-reflecting, and look inward.  It has been an interesting process as I have seen things I love about myself, and hate about myself.  Yes, I am good person and live a pretty great, comfortable life.  However, I want to be more, and better than that.  I want to live life to the fullest, and  I want to make a difference here on earth.  I want to be more than what I am now.  I want to grown and improve each day so that I can influence and touch peoples lives; I am tired of going through the motions.  The thing is, I have been thinking these thoughts for some time now, years even.  What I have lacked in, is taking the steps to make these changes and self-improvements.  I don't think I have known how to take the steps to change, and honestly I am still figuring it out.  I also lacked BELIEVING in myself! Believing that I was capable of being more than what I am; I was settling.  I am tired of settling and thinking "this is the best it gets, or the best I can become".   

For those of you who know and understand the Myers Brigg's Test, I am an INFP.  I love being an INFP, but I also hate it.  Long story short, I am a dreamer.  I have plenty of amazing ideas, dreams, and goals that I want to accomplish.  They are great ambitions.  What I lack in, is actually following through and completing them.  Finishing what I start.  I have all these dreams but no idea how to make the dreams, or fantasizes, become a reality.  Well, I am tired of living that way. 

I always start each year saying to myself "I want it to be the best year ever!"  It always starts out great, then I quickly quit doing things to make it the greatest year ever.  I fall back into my same old patterns.  Well, this year I have taken the steps to write down all my goals, ideas, resolutions, and things I want to do this year, to make it a year to remember.  I created this blog to record what I do this year to keep me accountable for the things I said I would do.  I am making a PDA..a Public Display of Accountability.  Even if nobody reads this blog, that is fine.  The fact that I know I have this blog, will make me feel like I need to accomplish what I said I would.  As I complete the things on the list, I will document it for all to see, or just for myself to see and know I finished what I said I would.  So here is my list of 52 things I would like WILL do this year.  Not all of these are necessarily resolutions.  A lot of these things I have already done, but I eventually stopped doing them and I do not know why because it brought me so much joy.  So here is my list of 52 goals, resolutions, challenges, and random things I want to do this year.   There is a trend of daily, weekly, monthly, and year accomplishments.  Hopefully, it will inspire you to make your own list?! :)

1.  Practice waking up early

2. Do a daily devo from Jesus Calling

3. Send a thoughtful/encouraging text or email daily

4.  Daily journal 3 things to be grateful for, and a summary of the day

5.  Stretch every morning and/or night before bed

6.  Attend church frequently

7. Weekly, reach out to someone I haven’t for in awhile and see how they are doing

8.  Memorize a bible verse each week

9.  Follow a budget and build my savings account

10.  Do a different 30 day fitness challenge each month

11.  Do a craft each month

12. Read a book each month

13. Bake something every month

14. Monthly wellness challenge: give up something that I love each month

15. Play a board game each month

16. Try cross-fit for a month

17.  Do one month brazil butt lift challenge (I have the videos and never completed it)

18. Practice yoga--I have started getting back into it this year and I am currently taking classes at the Lululemon Stores and Yoga Factory in Westerville.  My cousin Jenna teaches Thursdays at 6:30 and 4:30 on Sundays.  Come check her out!

19.  Stop procrastinating

20. Create and keep up with a blog

21.  Open up and follow my heart

22. Be honest and express how I feel—no more bottling things in

23. Pursue a career in health & wellness

24. Cook more often

25. Develop a friendship with my mom.   It's not bad, but it could be better.

26. Drop to 125 lbs by June

OK, I am not one to focus on a number, however, after ending the year at the most                I have weighed, I thought I'd try to get down to the weight I should be, which is a    healthy one!

27. Complete the Cap City Half Marathon in May

28. Walk for my graduation ceremony in May

I graduated in December, but I would like to walk for the ceremony

29. Complete a Tough Mudder

30. Complete a Color Run

31.    Complete an Electric Run

32. Buy someone’s drink behind me in a drive-thru at Starbucks.

33. Kiss in the rain

34. Do the splits--this is where the daily stretching will come in handy

35. Make amends with someone

36. Go apple picking, then make apple crisp

37. Go to a drive-in theater

38. Go snow skiing—it's been forever and I'd like to try it again

39. Go to a trampoline gym

40. Watch a thunderstorm

41.  Take a walk in the rain

42. Carve a pumpkin for Halloween

43. Go on a picnic

44. Go to an amusement park and ride every ride front row

45. Play 20 questions

46. Plan a fun, memorable date

47. Learn how to braid my hair--yes, I am almost 25 and I don't know how to braid hair

48. Sell my books on amazon

49. Dress fancy for a date, just because :)

50. Get my first pair of cowgirl boots

51.  Watch the sunrise

52. Begin believing in myself

    Well, that is my list.  I am excited for this journey of self-transformation.  I will continue to post about my journey and when I accomplish something on my list, as well as anything else I feel worth sharing.  I hope you enjoy it!  Feel free to comment and encourage, I'd love to hear from you!  Here's to the Best Year Yet!  For YOU and ME! :)