I always know when it is coming. About 2 or 3 days before it "starts" I cry about something I normally wouldn't cry about. It's always something silly. On Tuesday I cried in my friends office at work about something I normally wouldn't, suddenly feeling embarrassed and silly and thinking, why the heck am I crying? Sudden realization, oh yea, I must be getting THAT soon, great....
This proceeds to happen at least 3 or 4 more times. It's kind of pathetic to witness, as I will just sit there and cryyy, most of the time I don't even know why. Then my mind does CRAZY things. I proceed to think about things that I normally wouldn't. All these worries, fear, doubts, insecurities, scenarios come racing through my mind. I always think to myself, why am I thinking these things! Stop it! Think happy thoughts! Grrrr it feels like torture!! Such as, Does he like me as much as I like him? Impossible. Is he even thinking about me right now? Probably not. Will things work out in the end? Hard telling. Will I be alone forever? Jeez that will be devastating. Will I ever have a good "real job"? Not at this rate. Will I ever have a name for myself and become successful? Doubt it. What am I even good at? Not much. I wish I had more friends..well maybe if you were prettier, friendlier, smarter, wittier, cooler, than you would. Well, too late to change all of that. Oh yea, you just suck.
Yes, that is what my mind does. It's not fun. Of course most of you can't really tell, as I fight and fight to not let it show. It's an inward battle. But you best believe when the work day is over, all I want to do is crawl in a black hole and have this inner fight with myself. I usually go down to my parents basement. It's the closest thing to a black hole that I can get. Where the couch is down there, there are no windows, so I can turn off all of the lights, sit in the dark, and watch something that will make me laugh. So today I turn on Modern Family, a show that normally makes me laugh. However, today it made me sob. Of course. The episode called Three Dinners for those of you who watch it. Anyone else cry, or was it just me?
Everything I am trying to change about myself this year and all the things I want to do and accomplish, feels ruined by this week. Thursdays have become my favorite day as I would typically go to Starbucks after work. I read and journal there and then I go to yoga at 6:45. Its always a great day for me. But today I am here in the dark with agonizing cramps and crazy hormones. Lovely.
Now I am not trying to get sympathy here, because every woman goes through it (probably many others have wayyy worse side effects than me-such as serious pain that can take them to the hospital) and its a normal thing. It's obviously not the end of the world, I KNOW this. It just baffles my mind how much I can change during this time and I feel like I have no control over it. I have been told not to fight it, just go with emotions you are feeling because the more you fight, you often loose. Then the more you become frustrated with yourself for not being able to be your normal, happy, loving self. So I let the tears fall down my face, even if I don't know or understand why they are there.
Luckily, I don't turn into a raging B+&*$ during this time (at least I don't think I do) , I just turn sad and somewhat depressed. I don't think it is fair for women to use it as an excuse to treat others like poop once a month. So feel free to call us out when we do that. We most likely don't mean it and it is good to put us in our place, in a loving way, and bring us back to who we really are. Just remember that we may be a little different during this time, as you know. Sometimes we just need a little extra loving and support as we are usually feeling pretty down and self-conscious about ourselves. Other times we just need to be alone. Nothing personal.
Anyways, I just felt like sharing something that isn't so pretty. Life isn't always pretty. I'm definitely not always pretty, heck right now I'm feeling and looking quite the contrary haha. I do always tell myself, that life can always be worse. I know that!! But for now, I'll just sit here and be sad. I usually only do one time a month. Tomorrow, I'll be better, I promise.
Here's an article I enjoyed reading and it helped me understand myself and women a little better!
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/anea-bogue/women-menstruation-_b_3957384.html#slide=448184
